For three days I travelled, paddling thru murky waters, stealing horses at night, grasping my way across granite hilltops. I wiped the mist from my face - or was that sweat?
The GPS read 4,126 miles from home (and 93 miles outside of Dublin) when I came across the cavern. It was tucked into the side of Dungotten Rock. On the east side of the rock, tourists paid for boiled dinners while minstrels sang in the minor key.
But the west side of Dungotten Rock - well, that wasn't in the travel guidebooks.
And I knew why, which is how I came to be alone.
I turned on my cloak of invisibility; I'd only have 5 minutes. Plenty of time, I decided.
I crept along the grassy knoll, and when the gargoyle sentry rounded the bend (I wasn't leaving anything to chance), I rolled into the cave. Torchlight cut the darkness, and the air was damp.
Around the table sat twelve evil mutants. They convened once a year, plotting and scheming on how to best destroy the Earth.
There was the sorceress Matilde, resplendent in silk. Her Grey eyes cold, she calculated mathematical impossibilities, like how to delay air travel indefinitely.
Next to her was Arringvold, a giant grasshopper who stood when he spoke, tentacles gyrating. He had a New York accent and captivating charm - he kept a separate home to wine and dine his victims.
There was Crainimort, whose extra large forehead gave the impression of intelligence. His two minions, dressed in the same eggshell tunic, sat on either side of him, nodding intently.
And at the end of the table sat Jackiloped, the evilest one of all, with powers so terrifying, so absolutely horrible, I shan't dare to utter them here, for fear she may see it:
She had eaten 7 children that morning for breakfast, then primly folded her hands in her lap.
"Great work Jackiloped!" Arringvold bellowed. "Your profit margins are the highest we've ever seen - 85% and counting! Tell us how you did it."
"It's amazing how much your slaves can produce, when they're not allowed to sleep," she said.
"Ah, you let your slaves stand up? You're much more virtuous than me," Arringvold added. "Now let us discuss the larger matter at hand."
"Yes, yes," piped Crainimort, "The stock market is calling. What if we made up a story - a very believable story - about a company that's found oil."
"We sell the story for $29.95."
"Then, after thousands of investors get in, we make up another story about a delay in the first story that will keep the oil underground a few more months!"
"Brilliant!" Arringvold echoed. "And so it will go, as the price rises and falls and rises again - we'll fill our coffers in syncopated step!"
The room erupted in cheers.
"We'll take over the world this way!" Screeched Matilde.
"And sell the loveliest swampland in Uruguay!" Jackiloped added.
Laughter filled the air. Everyone knew that was impossible. Uruguay was the ugliest country on earth.
"Now that, my dear, is truly evil," Arringvold said, wiping a tear from his cheek.
It was then - I couldn't help it - the Achoo! came out. And that did me in; my cloak of invisibility was lost. I was revealed by Arringvold's feet, tiny tape recorder in hand. I clicked it off, which sounded strangely loud in the newfound silence.
I knew, with sickening certainty, that I was helpless.
"Get the guards!" Jackiloped called. They seized me - I raised my hands to protect my face. Someone hit me in my gut. My kidney ruptured. I felt a burst - first the dizzying pain, then the release, and finally the sensation of infectious lightness. They left me there, on the ground, to die.
They had quiche for lunch around my lifeless body.