They say you can never go back, but I did, last weekend, and it was lovely. When I left Baltimore, the trees were bare and the cobblestones wrapped in a blanket of snow. Six months later, the summer heat seeped thru every old crack in Fells Point's foundation. I walked the neighborhood with Mike, past the sailboats tied up at the marina, past the Cat's Eye and its blues band, and the Fell family sleeping in their cemetery.
I missed him. By that I meant I longed for what was familiar. I remembered his desire, and I regretted the stupid thing I did that kept us apart.
I told him so. "It's alright," he said. The tears came; I couldn't help them.
"Now don't scrunch your face up like that, it's not very becoming." He said and hugged me close.
We talked about the girls he's dated, his brother's health, the best day I've ever had at work (I gave everyone a raise), and the places where we'll live next.
"I know exactly which section of Chicago I'm planning on moving to," he said. He has a photo saved to his desktop, to remind him when work gets bad.
But I don't want to move to Chicago.
And I don't want to be with Mike. It wasn't love that we had. It was a constant togetherness that I found stifling. We worked together, but my ambitions outpaced his, and I grew frustrated. Especially when he'd complain but not make change. Yes, he was sweet to me, and his heart is good and I'm glad we're still friends. But I think we both knew we didn't fit - and that's okay.
The love I'm after is a quiet passion, something I've never fully known. It makes you genuinely proud of what he does, like write, even if he does it better than you. It makes you pick up and move to an exotic place, without knowing another soul, like a tropical outpost in Florida...
I had a lovely time at dinner with my old friends. They ordered my favorite dish: Spicy chicken tacos with corn cakes and sour cream. They told me all the latest office gossip, none of which I missed. Then I spent Saturday at home, as my parents hosted a party for their friends, who were a delight to chat with - and mix drinks for. Quick recipe: pour 3/4 of a cup of white wine. Fill the rest with Sprite. Add in frozen berries for ice cubes and voila! A summer spritzer.